Holding on to Momma -

The Lord blessed me in 2009 with my 5th child (I have three beautiful boys and had two miscarriages at 6 and 8 weeks in between each boy).  I remember when I found out that I was pregnant... I was so excited! I prayed to the Lord to give me a girl and that I would be able to have a natural birth (my two boys were c-sections).  On January 30,  2009, I unexpectedly went into labor.  I was six and half months pregnant.  I quickly called my doctor and told him I was in labor and he did not believe me.  I reassured him that I was in labor.  So he told me to go to the emergency room and he would meet me there.  On my way to the emergency room, my husband and I prayed.  We prayed that God would have control over this situation.   

I finally arrived and they started telling me that the pains was probably a urinary tract infection - it was to soon for me to go into labor.  The clock was ticking, and what felt like eternity was minutes. I quickly dilated to 9cm in a matter of an hour.  All I heard was my doctoring telling the nurses to prepare the room for delivery.  They had asked if I would have a c-section and my doctor quickly responded "no".  

Before I knew it, I had delivered a beautiful baby girl.  I could not hold her. They quickly took her to the NICU.  I was not able to see her until I was informed that she had to be transported to another hospital.  She was tiny.  I cried.  I had no clue what was going to happen to her.  In the midst of all the doctors and nurses, I said to my husband, "lets pray for her". And he did.  They took her away and then sent me to my room.  My husband brought me my bible and the Lord took me to this passage:

 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Jeremiah 1:5

This passage talks about God calling Jeremiah.  If you continue to read you will read about the reasons Jeremiah gives God to why he can not speak.  I meditated on this word in the hospital and asked God what is it that He was trying to tell me.  Soon I would know.  

I was able to be with my daughter for three days.  Those three days were so hard.  I heard the doctors telling me every reason why she would not be able to live and if she did in what state she would be in.  I just kept saying, "God you are the giver of life, you have the last say, no matter what these doctor say - do your will".  I enjoyed holding Gabriella's hand, taking pictures of her, talking to her, singing to her, praying over her - just being with her.  

It was Sunday.  I had called my father, who is also our pastor, to please come with my husband and I to the hospital.  We had asked him to dedicate Gabriella.  The dedication was beautiful, simple and powerful.  We have a beautiful video, that I often look at.  My husband and I stayed at the hospital to be with her and once it became late we decided to leave.  Before I left Gabriella's side I said to her, "Mami I love you.  You have to decide who you want to be your parent, us or  our Eternal Father. Whatever you choose, I am okay with that.  Just know that I love you so much".  I touched her hand and said good night.  

The next morning, we received a phone call from the nurse that we needed to get to the hospital right away.  When I arrived, I went to wash my hands and the nurse told me there was no need.  She brought me into the room.  All I saw was nurses around Gabriella, trying to resuscitate her. I knew who she chose and I was at peace. I was at peace that this was God's will for our lives.  I knew that she could not really choose, but it was comforting to think that she chose God! As much as I wanted her with me! 

The nurse put her in my arms and she was still warm.  I kissed her, touched her as much as I could and told her I loved her.  

We held a memorial service for her and informed family and friends what had happened.  Her memorial service was so beautiful.  The Lord showed me then what He had spoken to me about.  Gabriella's life and passing became an opportunity for the Lord to be glorified! Throughout her life people around us were hearing about Jesus; Seeing our faith in the Lord. The memorial service was filled with people that did not know the Lord.  And for the first time in their lives they heard about Jesus.  This would have never happened if not for Gabriella.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 I can not tell you why God allowed me to get pregnant or why my daughter is not with me.  What I can tell you is that I have asked the Lord to do His will in my life, before Gabriella, during Gabriella and after Gabriella.  I desire for His will to be priority in my life, even if it hurts me and I don't understand it.  I want nothing more and nothing less than HIS PERFECT WILL.

There will be moments when you may want to ask why or you wonder where God is.  Questions and thoughts might fill your mind:  

Why me? What could I have done to avoid this?  Is it my fault? What if I would have...?  I should have done .... 

Remember, what the Word of God says in Psalm 139:13-18:

¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well. ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you    when I was made in the secret place,    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;    all the days ordained for me were written in your book    before one of them came to be. ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!    How vast is the sum of them! ¹⁸ Were I to count them,    they would outnumber the grains of sand—    when I awake, I am still with you.

God knew you before you came into this earth and He knew your baby angel.  God is with you and your baby angel is with Him.  

When my time comes to be with the Lord,  I await the moment that I see Gabriella standing with Jesus at the gates of Heaven, waiting to greet me and welcome me home.  This is only temporary.  Soon and very soon we will be with our Lord and with our baby angels, worshiping our Lord for eternity.

Every time, your baby angel comes to mind, it is okay to cry and desire them to be with you.  It is okay to want to hold them.  It is natural, you are their mother and they your child.  But we can not let that overwhelm our lives.  We must accept God's good and perfect will for our life.  We must see the goodness of God in our life.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  In those most difficult moments, cry out to Him and He will comfort you.  He will embrace you is His loving arms and bring peace to your heart.

I know how hard it is.  We feel like no one understands and that is because they don't and they probably won't.  Not even my husband understood me and till recently he graciously explained that to me.  Momma's it is not that your husbands don't remember your angel baby or are ignoring how you feel.  My husband said it so gently, "You had six and a half months feeling her, carrying her, nurturing her.  You had a connection to her, that I could never have.  I only had three days with her.  One moment I had a daughter and the next I didn't"  When my husband confessed this to me, I completely understood.  I never saw it the way he did.  Naturally as a mother I feel more because my child is with me and depends on me.

I encourage you to have open communication with your husbands.  My husband is such a wonderful man.  He allowed me to cry whenever I needed and was also there to lift me up and encourage me with the Word of the Lord.  He never left my side, even to this day, we talk about Gabriella, look at her pictures, talk about her with our boys.

She may not be with us but she is part of our family.

My prayer for all the Momma's with angel baby's

Lord of our lives, I present to you every thought and questions that have come to the minds of these Momma's that have experienced loss.  Lord, may your arms be a fortress and comfort them and may you fill their hearts with love and peace.  Lord, we accept your will, but it is hard and it hurts.  Help us to bring everything to You and leave it with you.  Lord help us in the days, month and years to come.  We want to be good wives to our husbands and good Momma's for the our children.  We do not want to neglect what you have given us.  You are the King of our lives.  During this time of hurting and pain, help us to control our emotions.  Helps to not vent our pain onto our husbands and children.  Help us to run to you.  May this time be a time where you glorify yourself in us.  Use us to minister to others that are going through the same pain.  Open doors for us to share Jesus.  We love you Lord with all our heart.

Many Blessings,

Monica

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