Little did I know the moment I held my first son, my heart melted! All those thoughts of how I would discipline my children vanished. I fell in total complete love. How could this beautiful baby defy me, go against any thing I ask of him and how could I speak to him with such words, tone - voice?
My son at 7 months, I became pregnant again, and miscarried at 6 weeks. When he turned 10 months the Lord blessed us with another beautiful boy. When my second son was 11 months I became pregnant again and miscarried at 8 weeks. After he was one, I became pregnant with our first and only beautiful daughter. Six and a half months into my pregnancy I went into labor. She was with us for 3 days and then went to be with the Lord (this will be another post). My previous miscarriages were very difficult to deal with. Many times I had felt like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!!" BUt when my daughter passed away it was extremely difficult for me, my husband - our family. I emotionally was a wreck. I cared for nothing. Not myself, my husband nor my children - all I wanted was my baby girl with me.
After a time had passed and I "gave things to the Lord", "prayed about it", you name it - I did it; I saw in me this "GENERAL" that began to appear that I so confessed many times again and again. I began to have "GENERAL" like attitudes and a TONE in my voice - "my way or the highway!" attitude . My sons were my soldiers and I had to "train them up". Every thing that I said and did was mainly out of frustration. I yelled, screamed (yes they are two different things!), put down, the list can go on.
I JUST WANT TO SAY: YES I AM A CHRISTIAN and YES I LOVE THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART!!
With that said, I believe about a year after my daughter passed I came across this beautiful blog named A Wise Woman Builds her Home. For me God had put Ms. June Fuentes, without her even knowing, in my path. I devoured everything she wrote on womanhood, motherhood, how to treat your husband, your children.... I even printed it and put the post I loved into a binder. I printed things and taped them on my wall. I wanted daily reminders of this type of woman that she wrote about that I longed to be.
So I set out on this new journey in discovering the woman I longed to be. The woman that God calls me to be. I no longer wanted to yell at my sons in frustration, but to treat them with love and tenderness. I wanted them to obey me, not because I yelled louder then a second ago or because I threatened that I would send them to their room or take their favorite toy away. I wanted to speak to them in the way that the Lord would if He was right in front of me and I am being disobedient.
Today, I start on a something that I have done before, but today I do with more conviction and understanding. I start my 40 day fast (up until Easter). The purpose of this fast for me is to shed every part of THE GENERAL in me.
The word of the Lord says,
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. ~ Proverbs 18:21I have been using my words not to build myself up or my family, but to destroy the beauty of who God wants me to be. My words at many times have been spoken in anger, bitterness, complaining and defeat. Today I turn tear the page out of my book and I no longer look back to that GENERAL. Today I will speak in love, I will speak blessings, I will compliment, I WILL CONFESS VICTORY!
As the wife and mother of my home the first tools that God gave me to build up my home were not my spatulas, iron, wooden spoon, dish washer, calendar, organization books, BUT MY WORDS. I can REACH MORE, TOUCH MORE and CHANGE MORE with my words.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ~ Ephesians 4:29
My words should build up my husband, my sons, my home. The word says, "Do not let any UNWHOLESOME TALK come out of your mouths", UNWHOLESOME is something that is rotten, something that has no nutrients, nothing beneficial. My words need to be WHOLESOME, HEALTHY and UPLIFTING!
This is my prayer:
Lord, help me be a virtuous and capable wife to my husband.
That he may trust me and that I may greatly enrich his life.
That I may bring him good and not harm all the days of my life.
Everything I do, I do for the well being of my family and with a joyful heart.
That I may be a good steward of all that you bless my home with.
Open my eyes to the needs around me. May my days be filled with sowing.
Help me to trust in You all the days of my life; that I may not look to the left or the right for the provision of my home, but to keep my eyes and heart focused on You - my sole PROVIDER!
When I wake in the morning, I will clothe myself to bring honor and glory to you.
All that you have given me - talents, gifts, calling - I give you all the honor and glory!
I will look to the future with no fear of what is to come, because YOU, LORD ARE MY SHEPHERD.
In you I have all that I need. I will rest in You.
Renew my strength daily and guide me along right paths and besides peaceful streams.
May I bring honor to your name.
Clothe me with strength and dignity
I will enjoy everyday and look to my future with hope.
When I speak, may my words be wise and my instruction be with kindness.
Help me to watch over all that enters and leaves my home.
All that you have blessed me with, I will care over those things and not be careless with them.
Help me to not procrastinate or be lazy.
Lord, help me to not want perfection but to please you in all that I do all and all that I am.
I love you Lord.
I am linked up to the blogs on the left!!