Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Blaming My Littles Ones

This morning I was up at 5:38am.  I had laid in my bed just thinking.  That is something that happens A LOT! I was thinking about my boys.  I thought about my youngest, Sunshine and just the thought of him brought a smile to my face, even a giggle.  And then I thought of my two older boys and the only thing that came to my mind was how hard I have been on them lately.  I wondered why couldn't I think of them and have the same joy come over me as with Sunshine.  And I realized, every time I think about my older boys I quickly recall Gabriella.  I recall ALL that happened in that first year. I don't remember them as a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old boy.  I don't remember many happy times in that year.  2009 was really a blur for me.  I can't believe I am actually sharing this but I feel I need to get it out and confess it.  I need to be freed from these thoughts.

I went to the Lord this morning and just told Him all that was on my heart. I told Him that I don't want to subconsciously and consciously blame my boys for my frustrations and lack of patience.  The loss of a sweet sister and daughter was not their fault.  I do miss Gabriella. And I have to admit that I should have spoken about her more and how I felt then.  I feel that all my frustrations and lack of patience with my boys are a result of lingering pain that I had not fully given to the  Lord.

When I think of all my boys I just want to see and feel JOY!  I want my heart to rejoice because I have them.  I want to tear down that wall of hurt when I approach them and speak to them.  I want to hug them more, love them more, find out who they are, enjoy the days with them.  My husband says to me daily, "enjoy them and love them today!".  And, honestly, I used to just say, "okay" and in my mind thought, but "HOW??!! Someone tell me how??!!" They mark such a painful moment in my life that they did not choose or have any fault.  I put that mark on them and sadly they have no clue I have.  They must wonder, "will, I ever make mommy happy?".  My poor children.  I know that they have gone through a lot.

BUT NO MORE!!  This morning I went before the Lord and begged, poured out my heart, to fill me with His love, so that I may pour it into their lives.  I INTENTIONALLY LOVED THEM TODAY!!  Please do not misunderstand me, I love my children, I would give anything for them, but I have not been enjoying them, enjoying watching them grow; I have been so distracted by everything else that I haven't taken the time to look at the glow in their eyes when they make a discovery.  I have shooed them away when they want to tell me something, because I was busy.  I feel I have missed out on so much! BUT NO MORE!

I have crucified my frustrations, lack of patience, feelings of hurt and pain, the whys and should haves to the cross.  I will no longer go back.  I will look at my children, including Gabriella, as a blessing.  I will pour my life and love into them. They are each special children of the Lord; I will treat them as such.

I asked the Lord this morning to tell me how to do this and this was his answer:
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.  ~John 15:5-8~
This was His answer, REMAIN IN ME and I WILL REMAIN IN YOU! The only way I will see a change in me is by choosing Him.  Seeking Him.  Meditating on Him.  It is not about changing my children's personalities, attitudes and character, it is about accepting God's will in my life, accepting the children He has given me, accepting that He has Gabriella, stop blaming me, my children and my husband for our loss. Accepting that Gabriella is and will always be my daughter even though she is not with me.  I have to enjoy and think about those precious moments that I had her and rejoice.  One day I will join her.

I want to share the MOST PRECIOUS MOMENT that we had with Gabriella.  I praise the Lord because He allowed us the opportunity to dedicate her to the Lord before she passed away.  In the video you will see my father, who is our Pastor dedicating his first and only granddaughter.  This was actually his first baby dedication, so you can imagine how special it is for him.  The dedication was in spanish, but I think you can feel the presence of God in the room.  Before viewing the videos please pause the music at the bottom of the blog.

video
video

I pray that you were blessed.  If you want to share this post please do not copy the videos.  These are personal videos that I am sharing.  You may share the link to this post and whoever wants to view it can watch from here.  Thank you for understanding.



Linked up to MOB SOCIETY This is a GREAT SITE TO Moms of BOYS!!!  CHeck it out!!


For His Glory and By His Grace,
Monica

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If you have grieved a child please take time to encourage other Momma's.  If you have never written about your loss, I pray that by visiting other's blogs you are encouraged and blessed.

There are no rules to this link-up.  I just want it to be a place where Momma's can be encouraged and blessed. I would like for us to fellowship weekly.  Each week, as the Lord lays on my heart, I will post certain things we Momma's go through/deal with during grieving, and as always share the Word.  This is how the Lord has led me to do this link-up.  Really it is a time of fellowship where we can gather to pray together and comfort each other. I hope you would join me and this blog for fellowship.

godsmostprecious  



5 comments:

  1. Oh MONICA that post and video made me weep. To see sweet little Gabriella moving around just broke my heart. I am so sorry my friend. Well what you wrote was for me I feel a hardness in my heart especially to my older kids. I think it is because they know I am failing and that is humbling. Things have really gotten bad/sad here lately I might email you tomorrow and fill you in. You are such an encouragement to me and such a WONDERFUL testimony. I do not mean you are perfect but you point to the Lord perfectly :) I am so BLESSED to read your post and find the encouragement I so desperately need. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! Saying a prayer for you now.

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  2. I was not able to watch the video as my heart was already aching reading your words. You have an amazing testimony- thank you for your bravery in sharing!

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  3. Thank you so much for your honesty...that is all our Jesus desires. He promises to change us if we will only humble ourselves and ask for change. Great post...thank you! I enjoyed reading it! I didn't get to watch the video but I am so sorry for your loss. Gabriella is a beautiful name! Thanks again and I look forward to getting to know you better...

    Nicki

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  4. Monica,

    I found your blog through Tesha's. Thank you for sharing these words. It was as if the Lord placed them on your heart to share with me. It is so hard to be a mommy to my 5 other children right now with Seth gone. You are so right, the Lord is so right. I can only do this by choosing Him everyday. Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony about your motherhood. Thanks for reminding me how to ENJOY my children again!

    Kim

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  5. Bless your heart Monica...What a sweet video of your precious daughter you have. She's beautiful and as your father is blessing her, she's celebrating. Moved my heart so very much. And I'm glad you are going to intentionally love on your boys. Thank you for being so open and honest. Much love to you dear friend.

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