Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Grieving Father - Remembering he lost a child too... & Link-Up

My husband is my best friend.  We talk about everything.  But when Gabriella passed away it was different.  I talked and cried.  I know I shut him out for some time.  I guess it was my way of healing.  As I look back on those days, those months, I wish I would have talked more.  Asked more.  My husband is a quiet and patient man.  He is the type that takes his time, no rushing.  I never knew what to expect from him when Gabriella passed away.  He became who I leaned on.  He was my voice.  He was the person who took charge of our home and our boys.  I can only imagine what he had to hold back in order for me to try to press forward.

Until this past year I asked my husband what he felt with the loss of our daughter.  I could never believe what he shared with me.  It was truly eye opening.  I then thought I wish I would have talked about it sooner; it would have helped understand certain responses, facial expressions, certain non-responses and frustrations.

No matter how long it has been since your baby has gone with the Lord, I encourage you to sit down with your husband and talk.

Somethings to think about before you talk:
  1. Remember that your husband feels pain and hurt, but as a father.  
    1. (Husband's Response) Something that my husband reminded me was that he did not know how to deal with Gabriella's loss because he did not get to spend time with her the way I did (I carried her for 6.5 months).  It wasn't until after everything had passed that reality hit that his child, his daughter was not with him. 
  2. There are many things that he can not answer, so don't take it as if he were ignoring you or he has forgotten.  
    1. (Husband's Response) I asked my husband why he wouldn't answer my questions of respond to many of my remarks in the beginning months/ year.  He simply said he didn't have answers and he just wanted to be there for me because he knew if was very difficult for me.
  3. His way of grieving, might not be your way of grieving.
  4. Never think that your husband does not grieve. 
    1. (Husband's Response) My husband says that he was usually alone when he grieved. He also told me while he was working he saw a garden stone that read "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again".  When he came home he told me (as he cried) that he started crying when he read it.  I think he had been trying to be so strong for me that he hadn't been able to cry for his precious daughter.  He confessed to me tonight that it was that moment that he felt the relationship with his daughter. He felt the separation.  He felt his heart long for her, his only daughter.
  5. I tried to remind myself that "I" wasn't the one who lost a child "WE" were the ones who lost a child.  Remembering that my husband is going through a painful moment in his life. 
    1. (Husband's Response) My husband told me tonight that as a father, he knows that Gabriella is not with us but she is part of his life.  She left a mark in his life and on his heart that no one can take away or erase.
  6. Many times a hug and kiss, is more than words.
  7. Recognize all that your husband is doing for your home - tell him "thank you",  "I couldn't go through this without you by my side", "I love you"
  8. He does miss your baby angel.
  9. If he doesn't want to open up right away, let him know that you are there to listen.
I pray that my husbands conversations with me will help you and your spouse.  I pray that you hold each other by the hand's and hold on to the Word of God as you both go through these hard times.  Be there for each other and your children.  I will be praying for your families.

For His Glory and By His Grace,

If you have grieved a child please take time to encourage other Momma's.  If you have never written about your loss, I pray that by visiting other's blogs you are encouraged and blessed.

There are no rules to this link-up.  I just want it to be a place where Momma's can be encouraged and blessed. I would like for us to fellowship weekly.  Each week, as the Lord lays on my heart, I will post certain things we Momma's go through/deal with during grieving, and as always share the Word.  This is how the Lord has led me to do this link-up.  Really it is a time of fellowship where we can gather to pray together and comfort each other. I hope you would join me and this blog for fellowship.



  1. You have so much wisdom Monica! We are not talking a lot about it right now I am struggling to get through the days. I think it will be better soon but right now I feel like I am suffocating with sadness. Thank you for this wonderful post, I will try to ask him how he is :)

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. It's true that men process things differently. It doesn't mean they don't care, they just deal with things differently.

  3. Monica...your post is so right on! You didn't lose a child BOTH did together. My husband and I suffered our loss together and we survived it together. I count my blessing that we were able, truly with the strength of God, to get through one of the toughest things we've ever experienced. What a great reminder you share here. And what encouragement in remembering that the daddy hurts too. Thank you for this compassion filled post.

  4. I'm sorry for both of you for your loss. Know that your baby is in the arms of Jesus in Heaven and you will one day see her again :) Thank you for linking up to Workin' It Mondays and sharing.

    ~Nicole, Working Kansas Homemaker



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